A Picture is Worth 1,000 Hate-Filled Insults
by Sakazaki-Chan
Summary: Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski are two of the best photographers in the world, and they've got a rivalry bigger than Thor and Loki (Minus the fact they aren't brothers). But now, they've been given the assignment of a lifetime.
1. Chapter 1

_**I'm going to like dedicate this to Serendipityrain711, she's helped me out with Oh, Kyle, and this one- she's so great! So yes, thanks bbg :***_

_**Also, Denbigh University doesn't exist. I made it up for creative things, because I don't know the lay-out of any top-rated arts college.**_

_**Okay, enjoy!**_

* * *

"And second place goes to...Kyle Broflovski!" My family cheers loudly and proudly, and I walk up to receive my red medal, and a sense of dread lies in the pit of my stomach. The means first place goes to...

"And first place goes to Eric Cartman!" The fat bastard practically runs to get his award. Everyone is cheering- a standing ovation. Can someone tell me how a fucking squirrel shitting with a black and white filter worthy of first place?

The fat fuck shoots me a smug grin, like he _knew _this was how the competition would work out.

* * *

Later, when I'm getting pictures with the principal and the president of the national artists society, Cartman is surrounded by tons of cameras and microphones and...screaming hipster girls?

"So, Eric, how does it feel to have 8 consecutive wins in national competitions like these?"

"Well, ya know, I just looove photography. I actually started taking pictures in fourth grade, and I just became addicted. I got a professional camera in fifth grade and I took pictures of everything. I guess it's in my blood, and I care less about the competitions, and more about the fact my art has touched so many."

_How gay._

When he asks for a little space, and they back off, the fat-ass approaches me, a gloating look on his face.

"Hello, _Kahl._" Ugh, his voice is dripping with some sort of sick excitement at winning _again._

"Cartman."

"Good job." He leans in to hug me. I'm apprehensive, but some photographer comes up and asks to take a picture of us hugging. Sighing heavily, I give in. As he rubbed my back, he whispered into my ear: "How's it feel to be second best?"

_Pretty Goddamn awful, thanks._

* * *

After the very long, very drawn out ceremony, it's time for the ceremonial dinner. Before we can eat, Cartman needs to give some gay speech for winning. Before he gets up, he shoots me an ugly grin and walks to the stage.

I mean, he's attractive. Short chestnut brown hair that covers his forehead, he has to flip his hair to get it to stay, and every time he does that, I melt inside. Dark brown eyes the color of chocolate, and as much as I'd like to eat them (Yes, his eyes), I'm a diabetic. His smiles send me into a diabetic coma alone. He's a little pudgy, but I couldn't see him any other way. He was over a foot taller than me, and extremely talented. A worthy adversary, indeed.

"Hello, all. When I was in fourth grade, I absolutely loved photography. And that hasn't change. Here I am, senior year of high school, eight consecutive wins in 4 different national competitions. I have over $35,000 in scholarship money. At this rate, it's not even fair." People laughed. I chewed on my "Kosher Pasta Salad" methodically. "Anyway, I'd just like to thank all of you for being here. Enjoy your dinner." He smiled and waved while the entire ballroom cheered for _that fucking prick._

Him and his mother were seated next to my brother, mother, and father, since we were the winners of the competition. There's some blonde kid who stares at Cartman the entire time he eats. He's with his parents, and they aren't letting him eat more than one plate. He's quiet, but in a nice way- not creepy looking. He seemed like a polite boy, although a little nervous.

"So, Mehm?" The fat-ass turned to his mom.

"Yes, snookums?"

"I wuuuhhhhhhhnnnnnnn." Instead of looking at her, he turned and glared at me with a sick gleam.

_I hate this motherfucker._

I've never won a national competition- it's always been Cartman, or this other kid named Leop-whatever. I always come in second,but that hasn't stopped the colleges from requesting me to go to their schools. I have institutions knocking my door down just for me to _look at_ their college. I was planning on going to Denbigh University, the top-rated arts college _in the world_.

"So...Liane, is it? Where's your son going to go? For University, I mean." My mom asked, eager for any sort of gossip ever.

"Yes, it's Liane. Well, my snookiwookums has been asked by hundreds of Universities to attend theirs. More often than not, it's a full-ride scholarship. He hasn't decided yet. Where's Kyle going?"

"My bubbe is going to Denbigh University. The top rated arts college in the world." She smiled triumphantly. But what she didn't tell them was that I didn't get a full-ride.

"Oh, Eric got a request to attend there. Full-ride." She smiled. I almost snapped my fork in half. "But he discarded that one. He's also a national first-place winner in debate. I think he wants to tackle debate more and study...?" She looked towards her son.

"Law, mahm. Law."

"Right. Law."

My mom perked up at the word 'law'. "My bubbe was _supposed_ to study law," she squeezed my knee- "But, he just had to do photography. And the wholesome people we are, we let him follow his dreams."

"That's what living's about." Liane smiled. She was beautiful, but the way she was eyeing my father made me a wee bit uncomfortable.

As I was sipping ginger ale (Yes, don't make fun of the fact that I'm a ginger), I realized I had to piss. Really bad. I excused myself and tried to find the bathroom. But soon, I became lost- why is this place so fucking big? As I wondered down an empty, dark hall, I heard footsteps behind me.

"The bathroom's on the other side of the building, Kahl."

_Kahl._

"Yeah, I knew that."

"Sure..."

I turned red. "I did know, okay?! Maybe I wanted to talk a walk?! Look at the art?"

"Dude, you said you had to piss. And look at how you're walking. You're nearly wetting yourself." He snorted.

I sighed. "Alright, Cartman, where is it?"

"Beg."

"No! I'm not begging for you to tell me where the bathroom is!"

"Then you can piss your pants."

"Ugh. Fine. Cartman, will you _please_ tell me where the bathroom is?"

"Grovel." He purred, those warm brown rocks staring into my very own ice green. Fire and Ice.

"Cartman, I _need_ to piss. _Please_, Cartman. I'm _begging_ you."

"Fine." He grabbed my hand. Oh Moses, his hands are so soft and warm. He led me literally across the building to the fanciest bathroom I've ever seen. Instead of stalls, there were literally bathrooms, minus the sink, which was actually positioned like a regular bathroom. There were chocolates in here, and lotion too?! Who the hell needs lotion in a public restroom?! I shrugged and walked over to one of the urinals.

Cartman was standing near the sink, staring at his face in the mirror. He was _so conceited._

I finished, so I walked to the door, but a think green button-down shirt(ed) sleeve stopped me.

"Kahl. You're not leaving."

I blinked. "Why exactly?"

"You didn't wash your hands, Kahl."

I'm so glad he's not going to my University next year- I'm glad the only time I've ever seen him was at these awards. I'd probably hate him more than I already do.

I huff angrily and move to scrub my hands clean of dirt. After I'm finished, I look up to see a grinning Cartman.

"I was always right." He smiled wider.

I scrunched my brow in frustration. "How?"

"Gingers are dirty. Jews are dirty."

"Gingers, nor are Jews dirty, Cartman."

"You didn't wash your hands, you dirty Ginger Jew-rat."

"Dammit!" I stomped out of the bathroom, arms crossed.

* * *

The rest of the night, the fat-ass smiled at me and kicked my knock-kneed legs while our parents chatted about whos kid was the best. Cartman was better than me, but no one can trump Ike Broflovski. He was just about the smartest dude in my state, and at 14, is going to Harvard University. He's studying law, just like Cartman will be. They're chattering about subpeon-whatevers while I stare at my phone, waiting for a text from anyone.

"So...Liane, where do you two live?"

"We live in Kelseyville. In California? How about you?" She winked at my dad while she sucked her spaghetti.

"Oh, we've always wanted to go there!"

"It's beautiful" Cartman interjects. "Great place to take pictures."

My mom smiles. "South Park is great for pictures too. Beautiful snow and mountains."

"Then why hasn't Kyle won first place?"

Everyone drops their forks, which clatter loudly on the porcelain plates.

"ERIC!" Liane glares at her son, her face turning red.

"Ky-ull, we're leaving." My mom grabs my hand and drags me out, my father and younger brother trailing behind me.

_Fuck that guy, seriously._

* * *

_**How was the first chapter, guys?! I'm passionate about this!**_

_**Peace,**_

_**Zaki-Chan~**_


	2. Chapter 2- A Bathroom Misadventure

Denbigh is a lot bigger than the internet tour suggests. My mom gapes at the large gate while my dad and I get my shit out of the car. I can not wait to get my schedule.

"Well, bubbe, do you want us to come in-"

"No, mom. I'm fine."

"Well, you're so far away. I'll miss you so much!" Her eyes are misty and her mascara's running ever so slightly, the black gunk rolling down her cheeks in flakes.

"Mom, I'm only eightteen hours away."

"You have to call me, sweetie."

"Okay, I will. I love you." My dad pulls out a camera- he's a little misty eyed himself. Of course he wants to take a picture right now, when everyone else is getitng out of their cars. While my mom smooths her dress, I adjust my hair.

"Excuse me, sir, can you take a picture of me and my family?"

"Why sure." I recognized that voice. I fucking knew it.

"Kyle?"

"Cartman?"

Why the hell is this fat-ass here? I thought he threw away the acceptance letter to go here? I THOUGHT I WAS FREE OF THIS ASSHOLE! I maintain my composure and smile as he snaps a few pictures.

Once he's done, my dad thanks him and looks back to me. "Well, we'll see you later, Kyle."

My mom starts sobbing again, throwing her compact little body into my arms. "I'LL MISS YOU SO MUCH BUBBE."

"Mom, I'll be fine. I love you." I look down at her, and I remember what time it is.

"Shi-shoooot, Mom, I gotta go. Orientation is in like, an hour, but I need to find my dorm!" I check my paper, uncrinkling the white paper that's been sitting in my pocket for the entire ride. "I don't even know where the Mantequillia Memorial Male Dorms are!"

Cartman interjects, placing a large hand on my shoulder. "I'll take you there." He smiles and winks. I roll my eyes theatrically as my mother and father get into their little green hybrid and peel away, leaving me with the fat-ass.

I look down to pick up my suitcases, but they're gone.

"Where are...?" I start breathing really fast- this **can not **be happening right now!

"Relax, Jew. They're right here." He's got both of his large-ass suitcases, three of my bookbags, and my suitcase. He walks in front of me, and leaves me no choice but to follow behind like a lost puppy.

"Okay, so you're in 18B2, that's just a few buildings away from the Trey Parker Tribute Auditorium."

I nod, not really lsitening, but once it registers what he just said, I stop. "What'd you just say?"

He looks at me, the light from the sun behind me getting into those gorgeous chocolate eyes. He scrunches his brow and taps his chin, pretending to struggle to remember. "Hmmm...Jews are awful?"

"No! You didn't even-"

He smiles, wide, and I see dimples forming in his cheeks. "The auditorium is a few buildings away from the dorm...?"

"No, how do you know the dorm room I'm staying in?"

"One, it's on your paper. Two, I know the RA."

"RA?"

"What are you, a noob? Yes, RA. Residential Assistant. I was looking through the roll sheet, and I saw your name. I've got a great memory." He taps his head. I shrug and follow behind him, until we stop in front of a tall blue building shaped like a lower-cased 'N', with a large golden statue of a man staring into the sky. The plaque reads: 'Mantequillia: A very important man who is fabled to have existed during the tribulating times of Mexican self-awareness. This statue is dedicated to those who lost their lives in the fight for freedom."

Cartman notices me staring and rolls his eyes. "Mexicans shouldn't even get through our borders, anyway. Fuckin' wetbacks." He mumbles the last part, but I can still hear it.

I smack him hard on his bare arm, he's wearing a tank top, and the crack can be heard through-out the garden between the two prongs of building. He howls in mock pain and clutches his bicep, his skin turning a bright red. The prick deserves it.

He walks me into the dorm, the blue exterior carrying into the inside. The floors are all yellow carpet, and everything's _so damn cheery._

He goes to the right, to the 'B' wing, and races up the stairs, still managing to hold all my shit. When we reach the top, he walks to the middle of the hall, and there it is.

"Since we're both freshman, we're here a few days early. Ya know, orientation and stuff, but Sophomores and Juniors, and some Seniors stay here, so if you're alone now, you won't be for long. Well, put down your shit. We're going."

He opens the door across from me, throws his suitcases onto the floor, and drags me back downstairs, barely giving me time to put my stuff on the floor inside of my room.

* * *

Cartman pushes me into an aisle, and I sit wedged between a blonde kid with the shakes so bad you'd think he was hyped on caffiene, and Cartman's fucking fat-ass body. Orientation is boring, and Cartman's fucking leg is touching mine, and it's pissing me off. He's radiating with this boy-ish arrogance, and I fucking hate it, but, I feel a little something from little Kyle that says otherwise. Cartman looks over at me, smirks, and looks back to the very short, balding man on the stage. Everytime someone interrupts him, he turns a bright red; Cartman howls of laughter- calling him a "little strawberry". I smack him, a little too loudly, and we've already been warned about our behavior twice.

But now, a security guard with a mean-ass mustache glares at me and mumbles "If you continue your behavior, sir, you will be kicked out of the orientation." Of course, I respond with "Our behavior?! His behavior!"

"EXCUSE ME!" The balding man shouts to me from the stage. "SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO LEARN ABOUT THE SCHOOL YOU SHOULD BE PROUD TO BE IN."

"Oh, go suck a dick." Cartman stands, laughing, the minute midget-red-face comes into view.

Goddammit, we're going to get expelled. Sure enough, even more security is called in, and we're dragged out by our collars.

* * *

"You two boys were disrupting the one thing that matters more than your studies. You can't get well acquainted with the school if you don't attend, but since you disturbed something so important, I'll leave it up to you boys to find your classes." The dean of freshman holds the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, breathing in deeply. He starts to speak again. "You're lucky this school wants you boys so damn much, otherwise you would be out the door right now. In fact, I should probably suspend you from any extra curriculars-" He's cut off by Cartman.

"Liane Cartman."

"What?"

"My mother is Liane Cartman. I don't think you want to punish her son, do you?"

"Liane Cartman as in...?"

Cartman sighs. "Yes, Lusty Busty Liane."

The dean blushes, and straightens his tie. "Well, uh, I'll let you boys off with a warning. Alright?"

"Dude, what the fuck was that?" I look at the fat-ass sideways as soon as we walk out of his office.

"Look, my mom's a porn star, okay?"

"What?" I start laughing. "Wait, what type of porn? I think I might have seen-" I'm cut off by a punch in the stomach. I cry out as he grabs my Terrance & Phillip shirt by the collar and glares into my eyes, his own burning with a harsh ferocity that makes me _almost _piss my pants.

"We don't talk about this. Got it?" A bit of spittle gets on my nose as a large bead of sweat drips down my forehead. He's fucking terrifying like this- but I can't help but feel a sick sort of attraction towards him. But, I'm not gay! He lets go and regains his composure.

We start to walk again.

"I have a friend who's a sophomore here. He'll show us around." He says this, looking away from me. We're in the hallway, and the air feels cramped and small and it smells like old books.

"Kahl?"

"Yeah?"

"Uhhh, I think we're lost."

I scream out in frustration. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE LOST!? I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THIS PLACE'S LAYOUT?"

"Uhh, no? Were you just listening to me?"

No, I wasn't. "Yes..."

"Then you'd know. Hey, look, a bathroom!" His eyes dart to a door clearly marked "male'. He races into it, and I can't help but follow behind him. The bathroom is clean, like I'd expect from such a prestigious school, but it's a little run-down, and I can't help but think we're somewhere we're not supposed to be.

"So do you need to pee?" I ask, raising a red eyebrow.

"No...do you?"

"No."

"Well then,"

"Why are we here, Cartman?"

"I dunnooo..." He blinks innocently, his brown eyes sparkling. "My balls haven't been sucked in awhile..."

I blink. "...What?"

"Suck my balls, Kahl."

"No!" I redden deeply.

"Why not?"

"Because.." I start sputtering. "Tha- That's gay!"

"You aren't?" He raises his brow.

"Pah- NO! I dunno.."

"You don't know?" His burst of laughter pisses me off.

"Look, fat-ass, I don't know if I'm gay because I've never done anything!"

He stops. "You've never...kissed anyone? Had sex? Sucked a dick? Had your dick sucked?"

I blush. "No..."

He starts cackling.

I clench my fists. "Have you?"

He stops, a serious look on his face. "Of course. But they've always been nasty girls. A guy, on the other hand..." He moves closer to me. He grabs my arms and pins me to the wall. I look at a piece of tile that has become very interesting while he nuzzles my neck.

"No, Kahl, look at me." His stare is so intense, I almost shit myself. I also can't help but notice the air of authority in his deep, rumbly voice. I turn and look at him. My breath is quick as he leans forward- he's cool and collected- I, on the otherhand, am not. His lips touch mine, and just as I comply, he pulls away, laughing louder than I'd think possible.

"I'm just fucking with you, Kahl!" He's practically crying.

"S-So was I!" My face turns red.

"Explain that!" He laughs extra hard when he points to the very obvious tent in my pants. I was only half-mast, but it was visible nonetheless. I cover it with my hands.

"It's uhh...um...I get nervous!"

"Riiight nervous."

"Fuck you, Cartman!"

He stops laughing. "I could take care of it."

"What?"

"I could take care of your boner."

"Na-No! That's gay!"

"Yep." He pops the 'p'.

"Well...I guess..." As I unzip my pants, he starts laughing harder.

"I'm done, Kahl. I'm done." He leaves the bathroom, face red from laughing.

I wait for a few minutes until he's out of the hallway and I walk out, remembering that I was lost. Did he seriously leave me here on my own?

What a dick.

* * *

**Hi, what'd you guys think? Please favorite/follow/review! It means a lot to me!**

**By the way, follow me on tumblr: yaoipinata**

**I don't have many followers, but it's msot South Park shit. I think I might put this on AO3 and wattpad, but I'm not sure. Have a nice day, guys!**

**Love,**

**Zaki-Chan**


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